SCREAM

Haven't written in a long time
Been trying to draw
That too seems not to be happening
Mind is clouded
Noisy yet lonely
And so noisy that there ain't space
For thoughts!
Dry are my river beds
Dry is the ocean it leads to
Skin feels like it will rip apart
For it can't take the drought anymore
Scream!! SCREAM!!
Every inch screams out
But not a teardrop
Because that too seems to have dried
In the course of 3 days of incessant rains.

For The N'th Time

And yet again
In these
274 days
And a week that
I've known you
Yet another goodbye
We try.

I know
I'll fail
Miserably yet again

For the day
I say goodbye
You loom
In my thoughts
And all I think of
Is my hand you held
Fingers intertwined
When I had just
When you had just
Gotten to know
A day before you left
As we walked
Up -down the beach

Our first goodbye.

I believe I didn't
Know you then
We trace back
That moment
You and I became
Us
Was it when we
Counted the stars
Or shaped the clouds
Or sang in the rain
In the middle of the sea
Or in drunken stupor
I touched you
In the dark.

Now I know
Every contour
Of your body
Of you.

And yet I say goodbye
Because I love you too much?
because I'm afraid
You would forget
What these
Nine months and a week
Has given me;
Has given you.
I tell myself
Let the embers burn
Let the sparks fly
Let it smolder
And in its heat
Within days that
Become months
And years
We'll find
Our way.

I fail
Miserably
Again
I'm not ready
For any goodbyes!!

21.06.07
12.41 am

What say?

YESTERDAY
I am here tonight
So let me seep into you
Breathe through you
Touch your insides
Till they tingle
With me.
You may, but
They will never forget
The me that had been there.
I'll sing for you
"Lag ja gale ke phir..."
And make the song come true.
I'll make you know
What each word means.
I have lived life such
With a sense of
Restlessness
Urgency
As if
It ends tonight
And I will never see
A tomorrow again!


TODAY
I shall see us through this
And what if
We do rise
With the sunshine in
Each other's face tomorrow?
What if I may
Live another night
Of restlessness
And urgency
And see another day In your arms?
What say
We aim for forever?

Kasauli Greens

Green
Endless greens
Here I am
Out to lose myself
And I've lost it
Lost myself
Search.
Hunt.
Find.
Within me
Within you
Under my
Flesh
Loose and wobbly
Under yours
Tight and supple?
Butterflies flutter
And I think of her
You think of her too
It's a shadow on your face
You think
I'd miss??
Two butterflies
Now three
Dancing prancing
Up down
Now here now there
I point you point
Time for a smoke
Sit breathe
Oh fat me
Tired so easily
And you
So encouraging
Your ten steps
Slow down to
Mine
One two
Breathe breathe.
I lost us in the woods
I let us be there
We shall
Never return
As you and me
Never will we be
Us again.
We'll remain
Lost, somewhere, together...

24.05.07
5.45 pm
Kasauli

Enter MORAL- i -BAN - ism

How convenient to look at
Taliban as a muslim extremist phenomena!
Look at you
You whiny protectors of morality
You perverts of the first degree
You weak morons
Who lack confidence in self
In one's belief systems.

Out to protect your wimmin?
When did we become
Cave men at what we do?
When did women need
That protection from you
Other than from you?
Wimmin ain't your cattle
To protect them from predators.
You are the predator yourself!

Obscene? I'll file a PIL
Against men who scratch
Their groins in public
Against people who pick
Their noses in public
Against men who grope
Against men who rub
Against those who stare
I'll file a PIL
And hope to gouch their eyes out.
I'll file a PIL
Against men who treat
Their wimmin like cattle.
Against parents who force
Daughters into unwanted alliances
A PIL against everyone
Anyone
Who has ever touched me
Without my permission
Against those made me hate
That I am a girl
Growing into a wommin
A PIL for death sentence
For all the above.

Gere-Shilpa out of proportion non-controversy! For all the perverts!!
http://www.expressindia.com/fullstory.php?newsid=84936#compstory

Religious sentimentality?!! Yeah...the gods were born bejeweled weren't they?
http://indianartnews01.blogspot.com/2007/05/hindu-sacred-art-offends-self-appointed.html

Raging!!

(The image is a protest poster by Women's groups in Mumbai such as Forum Against Oppression of Women, LABIA other women groups/individuals, against banning the film screenings of the Deepa Mehta film FIRE, addressing the larger issue of moral policing, censorship and about a bunch of goons deciding what is good for the masses!)

Leaving her
When she runs
In my veins
While I travel
Within her
From head to toe
Each stop
I watch
Passing me by
And today
I leave her
Unfeeling
Maybe to return
But maybe not.

When she took me in
I knew myself
And then she
Mirrored
The me I knew not
Everyday she took in
Another new me
Defined, redefined.
Sometimes
Broken
I fell in love
Knew passion
Here
For the first time.

For now
I'm numb
I'm still running
In her veins
I'm not yet out.
Yet I'm leaving
I will not return
Like the way
I have left
I will
But return
If I'm lost
To lose myself
Again.


On train out of Mumbai
5th-6th April '07
12.42 am

My feet
Still grainy
With sand
As the sea teased
And I chased
The waves.
White froth
Black sea
And the distant lighthouse
So distant
The light's faint.
My feet
Are buried
In the sand
The waves draw,
Ankles no more visible.
What are you trying to do
I am asked.
I watch the litter
The waves take back.
Drown, I say.

7th April 07

Uff!!!

This is a rant...or I know I've sat myself down here to raaaaannnnttt....n raaavvveeee
Yet I have no clue what I am supposed to rave about!

Rave
I shall about you
I always have
Or about myself
I know not.
Every error I have made
I made it mine
My blunder
My error...
My misjudgement
I got stuck in the flow
I,
Intruder
I,
I,
I,
Aaarrrggghhh!!
Let it be!!

EXPERIMENTA

Dear all,
You are all cordially to invited to this extra ordinary film festival of which I've been a part of in the past 3 years...
Its a baby...but about 5 years old though tottering no more! Learnt to walk and steady on its feet!
Here's the schedule for both Bangalore and Mumbai where it is to happen over the next 2 weeks starting tomorrow!
Do come and enjoy an array of films that you might never get to see under one ceiling anywhere in India.

http://www.filterindia.com/experimenta2007.htm

Rest is best!!

Chasing the Rains

I
Two drags of a cigarette
And the mad rains
Blue skies
And black clouds
Bounteous and bursting,
And You.
Shudders fill the night
You swell and flow
And rain on me
The thunder
And my song.

26.10.06
06.04pm

II
You build in me
An ocean
Turbulence
Unrest
And then
You dip
Deep
Drenching yourself
In me
Dripping
And I
Rise and thrash
Wave after wave
Washing you
Ashore
Salty
Mmmmmm...

04.11.06
02.19pm

III
Ripe oranges
I devour
Each
Juicy
Hair and All
Rains that pour
Exhausted we lie
Entwined
Endless
Why it rains
You ask
Half joy
Half vex
Because I want it to
I say
It is for me.

09.11.06
12.12am

Too drunk To fuck!

Been listening to Nouvelle Vague lately.
Initiated Aman also into it.
Interesting music!

Right now...
I'm so tired...
Yeah yeah, who wants to know.
Then don't read!
*Highly Volatile*
*Inflammable*
but...I'm too drunk to fuck!

In that space
Where what I need most right now
What I wish for most right now
Is her!
She, who is amidst snow topped mountains
From where she can see zillions of stars
Where she can point out the milky way to me
Where a cat walks into a room and adopts her
And visits a temple of Maa Bhangayani
Where she walks downhill and I know her back hurts

Experiencing experiences
I can never be a part of
She's promised me the snow
And a hopeful snow fight!

I wish for her the most, right now!

Emotional Souffle

Oh come one!
You know exactly what I mean.
Don't you?
Creamy souffle...that just melts in your mouth
Always leaves you craving for more.
Chocolate always does it for me.
But here's a new kind of souffle...
Emotional Souffle...
Ingredients?
I'm not sure that is a good idea.
But maybe if you've understood
Every ingredient without a second read
then perhaps you've already tasted your Emotional Souffle!

Ingredients for Emotional Souffle
1 haywire relationship
1 partner of partner (current or ex)
1 broken heart over ex-affair
1 really interesting distraction(swaad anusaar)
A few shoulders to cry on
A few people to flirt with
An old flame that never dies to heat things up
Some rum on the rocks
Oodles of cigarettes
Dollops of chocolate! for icing

Beat'em all into one yummy batter.
Serve at room temperature.

You know what I mean?!
Enjoy!

Gypsie??!!

In kindergarden, we did this short muscial on Ole' king Cole...remember the rhyme?
"Old King cole was a merry old soul...a merry old soul was he...
He called for his pipe and he called for his drum
and called for his fiddlers three...yaddah yaddah...
Well this was some extended version.
with more than just fiddles and fiddlers.
It had gypsies in it!!
I was one of 'em.
In bright multi-coloured clothes and a yellow shiny head gear!
Mmmm...must've loved it then...I don't remember.

In college first year.
Maggie Tulliver wanted to be a gypsie.
She ran away from home to be one.
I wanted to be Maggie Tulliver.
Only later I realised she died a stupid death.
But the gypsie connection stayed!

For the past 6months,
September onwards!
I haven't been in one place long enough
to even unpack my bag properly.
Well 3 months in one city
Is a long time to unpack
but I didn't.
I'm on the run.
"I want to go wandering, wandering, wandering.
"I want to go wandering with a knapsack on my back...
Valerieeee....Valeraaaaaa...valerieeeeeeeeee...valera a a a a a ..."

It's time now to go home...
I'm coming back!
But i have no home!
My roots have given up on me...
Disowned me.
A friend said water lilies have floating roots.
I reconciled with that...
I float...
Yet I need to hit shore.
yet I need to float again.
Lets see how long this shore sustains me!
Wandering...Valerieeeeeee