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Every morning I wake up, I find my kitten, Mau at my feet stretched out sometimes on his side, sometimes even on his back. It is such a sight of cuteness. Mostly if he's not asleep the night while I am, he's hyper jumping about, hunting roaches and god only knows what not all, and at times jumps onto my bed and nibbles at my feet. It hurts and he gets kicked.
But when I'm awake, I cant keep my hands off this cuteness and keep petting him till he's thoroughly pissed off at being woken up and turns around and bites me! And guess what, I know when the bite's going to come, but do I stop? Nope! I just go right on till his bites get harder and more hurtful and almost bruises me.
I tell myself I'm such a masochist!
I'm sitting at the beauty parlour, almost undressed, in the smock of sorts they give you when you need to get yourself waxed. No one I know, or atleast I don't particularly wax in the winters unless there's an occassion that calls for it. One is so under wraps in several layers of clothing in the Delhi winters that waxing is definitely not on the priority list.
So here I am sitting half naked, hairy and all waiting for hot wax to be poured upon and my body hair ripped off. The woman is a professional. She's only used to several clients waiting in line making her pace the process to the extent that I often wonder if she forgets that the hair being ripped off is of a live being.
It's a weekday and it's noon time. No rush! No clients in line! But yet, the wax is steaming hot and I wince in pain. What more, my skins dry like a parched land and that never helps in reducing pain! I lie there while she works on my thigh, legs, other thigh, other leg, behind my legs, arms and then finally the most painful, underarms! And I wonder - WHY THE @#^%*#*&#* AM I HERE?
Then she goes on to thread my upper lip and eyebrows, which, careless but not carefree that I am about such, there's an overgrowth which again she heartlessly mows through.
I am a masochist I know. I know I'll only go again to a parlour when the lawns become unkempt. I never find the time to go before that till I kind of loathe myself in the mirror. (years of conditioning I say!) But do I enjoy that pain...probably not...do I mind it? Probably yes. Would that stop me from going? Never!
How does one explain this need to cause pain to oneself?
"Sometimes I cut myself to see how much it bleeds... it's like adrenaline, the pain is such a sudden rush for me"
-"Stan," Eminem
Is that it? Is that what longing for unrequitted love also means? Is that what longing at all means?
Mau's sprawled himself on the floor next to my chair. He's waiting for me to get into bed so that he can snuggle at my feet and nibble at it in his sleep.
As much as it is cuteness, it is unrest for me!
And yet again she said
She was a fool.
And all I could ask was
Why did you let go?
We don't know!
21 Feb'08, 07.30 pm
How do you do it?
Make me feel the way I do
Two minutes in your city
And I'm reeling
With vivid memories of you
With your voice resonating in me.
I wasn't ever there with you
There at that spot
Where now I could see you
Sit across the table from me
And talk to me
And behave as if
It's the couple on the next table
Playing footsie, now, then.
How is it that all seems so real
Like dry wine down my throat
I feel the tingles, the bitterness,
And the taste lingers.
I love it!
But how do you do it?
Picked the ripest
Red'est tomatoes for her, juicy
I'm cooking
For she is coming home.
We'll hug, hold hands
And baby-talk all night
Lick curry of each other's fingers
Place food bites & bites
On each others lips.
Look at me all for you
I screamed hugs on the phone
Just now,
She's on her way!
Listening to the same song
On loop for the 11th time
I await her
Lust comfort love affection
All rise in me
And warm my ears.
Every bell rings the door
Every me rings with her
And every she is only for me.
Ripe red relished!
Haven't written in a long time
Been trying to draw
That too seems not to be happening
Mind is clouded
Noisy yet lonely
And so noisy that there ain't space
For thoughts!
Dry are my river beds
Dry is the ocean it leads to
Skin feels like it will rip apart
For it can't take the drought anymore
Scream!! SCREAM!!
Every inch screams out
But not a teardrop
Because that too seems to have dried
In the course of 3 days of incessant rains.
And yet again
In these
274 days
And a week that
I've known you
Yet another goodbye
We try.
I know
I'll fail
Miserably yet again
For the day
I say goodbye
You loom
In my thoughts
And all I think of
Is my hand you held
Fingers intertwined
When I had just
When you had just
Gotten to know
A day before you left
As we walked
Up -down the beach
Our first goodbye.
I believe I didn't
Know you then
We trace back
That moment
You and I became
Us
Was it when we
Counted the stars
Or shaped the clouds
Or sang in the rain
In the middle of the sea
Or in drunken stupor
I touched you
In the dark.
Now I know
Every contour
Of your body
Of you.
And yet I say goodbye
Because I love you too much?
because I'm afraid
You would forget
What these
Nine months and a week
Has given me;
Has given you.
I tell myself
Let the embers burn
Let the sparks fly
Let it smolder
And in its heat
Within days that
Become months
And years
We'll find
Our way.
I fail
Miserably
Again
I'm not ready
For any goodbyes!!
21.06.07
12.41 am
YESTERDAY
I am here tonight
So let me seep into you
Breathe through you
Touch your insides
Till they tingle
With me.
You may, but
They will never forget
The me that had been there.
I'll sing for you
"Lag ja gale ke phir..."
And make the song come true.
I'll make you know
What each word means.
I have lived life such
With a sense of
Restlessness
Urgency
As if
It ends tonight
And I will never see
A tomorrow again!
TODAY
I shall see us through this
And what if
We do rise
With the sunshine in
Each other's face tomorrow?
What if I may
Live another night
Of restlessness
And urgency
And see another day In your arms?
What say
We aim for forever?
As much as it is cuteness, it is unrest for me!
